A Series of Unfortunate Falls
by RockSunner
Summary: The Baudelaire orphans have been sent to live with a distant relative, their Grunkle Stan in America. Will he be able to keep them safe from Count Olaf and the many local dangers?


The Baudelaire orphans have been sent to live with a distant relative, their Grunkle Stan in America. Will he be able to keep them safe from Count Olaf and the many local dangers?

The Baudelaires and other "Series of Unfortunate Events" characters are owned by Daniel Handler. The Gravity Falls characters are owned by Alex Hirsch and Disney.

**A Series of Unfortunate Falls**

**Book 1 – The Trapped Tourists**

**Chapter 1**

I hope that, as a reader, you normally seek out books on pleasant subjects, so as not to distress yourselves and go mad with grief, as I, Lemony Snicket, have done. I have the sworn duty to record the unfortunate lives of the Baudelaire orphans. But you do not have the duty to read about them, so I advise you to look elsewhere for your entertainment.

The Baudelaire orphans: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, have been followed by ill luck since the day that they lost both their parents and their home in a terrible fire. They have moved from one temporary home to another ever since, always pursued by the nefarious (a word which here means "absurdly evil and sneaky") Count Olaf, who is after their enormous fortune.

* * *

><p>"Fix up the attic room, Soos," said Stan Pines. "I have relatives coming to stay here."<p>

"Dipper and Maple, right, Mr. Pines?" asked Soos, his handyman. (The girl's name was actually Mabel, but Soos was confused about that, as he was about many other things).

"No, I had to turn them down as guests for the summer," said Stan. "There's a relative of mine from an obscure European country..."

"What country?" asked Soos.

"I dunno, maybe England. They speak English, anyway. My sister's daughter died, leaving a crazy will that said her children have to be raised by a close relative. They tried some closer relatives and it didn't work out, so now I'm elected."

"What happened to the closer relatives, Mr. Pines?"

"I hear they were murdered," said Stan.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," said Soos.

* * *

><p>The bus arrived at a building which was dilapidated (a word which here means, "poorly-maintained and with a sign that had a letter that was about to fall down"). Just as they arrived, the letter "S" fell off of the words "Mystery Shack," leaving "Mystery Hack."<p>

There was a puff of smoke and an elderly man appeared. He wore a burgandy fez, he had an eye patch over his left eye, and he carried a cane with an eight-ball on top.

"Welcome, tourists, to the Mystery Shack!" he shouted. "Come one, come all, and be amazed."

"There are no tourists on this bus this time, only us," said Violet, coming down the bus steps. "I'm Violet."

"Hello, you must be our great-uncle Stan," said Klaus, also descending. "I'm Klaus."

"Sunny!" said Sunny, crawling out after them.

With a loud fit of coughing, the final member of the party exited the bus. "And I (cough cough) am Mr. Poe, banker and temporary guardian of the Baudelaire orphans, here to hand them over to you."

"Welcome," said Stan. To the banker he said, "I hear they have a big fortune. Do I get money for their upkeep?"

"Certainly not," said Poe. "Their fortune must remain intact in our bank until Violet comes of age, at age 18."

"How old is she now?" asked Stan.

"I'm 14," said Violet.

"So, I'm supposed to raise these kids at my own expense for four years?" asked Stan.

"Precisely," said Poe. With another coughing fit, he climbed back up into the bus. "Goodbye, children. Enjoy your new home."

The Baudelaires and Stan looked at each other with growing dismay.

"I hope you guys can earn your keep around here," said Stan.

"I could help you invent flashy special effects for your tourist attraction," said Violet.

"I've read a lot of books and I can do research for you," said Klaus.

"Bite!" said Sunny, showing her two sharp teeth.

"Hmm," said Stan. "Well, there's always sweeping up, straightening, chopping wood..."

"This begins to remind me of Count Olaf," said Violet. "Although I'm sure you will be much nicer."

"Count Olaf?" asked Stan. "Who's that?"

"We need to warn you about our first guardian," said Klaus. "He's a terrible villain who is after our fortune. He's a master of disguise. So far, his disguises have fooled everyone but us."

"F'sade," said Sunny, which meant, "So if we tell you we see Olaf in disguise, please believe us."

"Can your kid sister talk?" asked Stan.

"She's a little young for that, but we can understand her baby-talk," said Violet.

"About Olaf, don't worry. I'm pretty hard to trick. Can't con a con, they say," said Stan.

"Con?" asked Sunny.

"Figure of speech," said Stan. "Not that I'm a con-man, or a convict, or anything. I'm just a conny old man, I mean, a canny old man."

The Baudelaires looked at one another uneasily. Little did they know the unfortunate horrors in store for them in this most unusual town.

"I'm your great-uncle, so you can call me Grunkle Stan."

"Griglet?" asked Sunny, which meant, "Is Grunkle a real word?"

"Manners, Sunny," said Violet. "Pleased to meet you, Grunkle Stan."

Klaus said, "Pleased to meet you too, Grunkle Stan."

Stan ignored the politeness. "Your mother was Jewish, and so am I. Were you raised Jewish?"

"Mazeltov!" said Sunny.

Stan blinked and looked again at Sunny. "She understands a lot, doesn't she? I can see her as an attraction: the World's Smartest Baby. Is She a Baby or is She a Grownup?"

"You'd make our sister a sideshow attraction?" asked Klaus.

"Yeah, and we can glue dog hair on you and make you a wolf-boy who dances for money," said Stan. "Got a problem with that?"

"Not really," said Violet with a sigh. "It's the kind of thing we've become used to."


End file.
